On this date in history, as far as I know
June 7
165 B.C. The first known member of the Belden bloodline, a druid priest named Grailde DeBayldon, rolls chunks of sheep meat and goat cheese up in a flat piece of bread, inventing the world’s first burrito.
5 B.C. A whale in the north Atlantic does that really cool thing where the water shoots out of the top. You know that thing? That thing is cool.
24 A.D. Jesus, like, walks on water, or something. Nobody was really paying attention to him so we don’t know for sure.
425 A.D. Pope Elvis Bowie XVI invents rock-n-roll.
999 A.D. The world is on edge as preparations for the end of the century go into full swing. Especially worrisome is what’s called "Ye Olde Y1K Bug," which, it’s feared, will cause all technology — including the wheelbarrow, the shovel and the torch — to stop working.
1491 A.D. The real first European to reach America, a Dutch nobleman named Hulk Hogan, arrives in New England, wins a bloody cage match against Indian chief King Kong Bundee, and is appointed emperor of North America. But instead of taking this post, he travels far inland, lays eggs in the Mississippi River, and goes into 450 years of hibernation, knowing that he will one day return to claim his rightful place as ruler of the world and star of films such as "Suburban Commando." (The eggs would later hatch and become alligators. Alligators that say "ooh, yeah" a lot.)
1898 A.D. At the World’s Fair in Brussels, horse-and-buggy tycoon Phineas J. Goodfellow presents his newest invention, a two-wheeled, mule-drawn contraption on which the rider stands while holding a set of handlebars. He calls it the "Segway Buggy." The London Times calls it "the future of transportation."
1942 A.D. I think there was some kind of war going on or something.
1976 A.D. My mom stops at a Mexican restaurant for dinner, and some of the spicy deliciousness of the burrito she consumes is sent to her 7-month-old fetus through the umbilical cord. The fetus falls in love with burritos, right then and there.
1983 A.D. President Reagan goes undercover for the CIA behind the Iron Curtain. He snaps a bunch of bad guys’ necks with his bare hands and shoots down two helicopters with his handgun. He recovers the stolen microfilm and thwarts a Communist plot to invade West Germany. While he is away from the White House for three months, he is replaced by a gussied-up dancing robot they got from Chuck-E-Cheese. All it is able to say is "How about some birthday fun?" His approval ratings skyrocket.
1997 A.D. They get a new guy to do Mickey Mouse’s voice, and it’s just not the same after that.
2001 A.D. In a move that dashes the hopes of many, NASA announces that it will not be embarking on any space odyssey.
2005 A.D. I finally realize what coasters are for.
