A place called B.L.O.G.

Miscellany time!

Item #1: I thought this was interesting. Ever notice how a pineapple looks like a large pine cone? And how they both have "pine" in their name? Why is that? There must be some explanation! I demand an explanation!

Well, there is an explanation. It turns out that what we now know as pine cones used to be called "pineapples." So people gave the fruit pineapple the same name because it looked like a pine cone. Then at some point they stopped calling the pine-tree ones "pineapples" and went with "pine cone" instead. Aren’t words funny?

Item #2: Who knew? Despite being dumb, wrong or evil (or all of the above) on a variety of topics, today and throughout history, the Catholic Church actually does not support the dumb and wrong theory of "intelligent design" that’s being bandied about these days. The Vatican actually digs evolution. I did not know that. Score one for Pope ‘N’ Friends!

Item #3: I am always amused by the huge number of strange police incidents that come from Coon Rapids when I compile my weekly reports. It seems to fit the image of the city. The place has a reputation as a hick town, and that name doesn’t exactly help. Well, turns out that some people who live there agree, about the name, anyway. They want to change it. Here is the story. Special bonus: I edited and wrote the headline for this story. Woo-hoo!

Things I like to eat:

Cheese
Burritos
Hummus
Green olives
Ice cream
Rice
Lasagna
Spinach salads
Pizza
Salsa
Pierogies
Chili
Stir-frys
Bagels
Celery
Soy products
Carrots
Crackers
Mashed potatoes
Tabouleh
Chickpeas
Grilled cheese sandwiches
Tacos
Corn
Spaghetti

Things I don’t like to eat:

Cardboard
Metal
Tissue paper
That
Lead
Your dust
Cats
Carpet
Logs
Staples
Brian Wilson
Garbage bags
Asphalt
My words
Tape
My hat
Ceiling tiles
Eggs
Model airplane glue
Crow
Legos
Holograms

This is the year that I turn 30 years old. That’s right, it’ll be three decades of Dylany goodness. Here are some things I will be doing throughout the year to mark the occasion:

1) Drinking more water. Water is the basis on which life on Earth is built. I should appreciate it more. Without it, I’d never have made it one day, much less 10,957.

2) Rocking out. This one is self-explanatory.

3) Compulsively watching the Lost Skeleton. That movie fills me with the joy of being alive.

4) Calling relatives more often. Once you’re 30, you no longer have that “I’m in my 20s” excuse for not calling people.

5) Moving. I will have at least two bedrooms at my disposal by Aug. 1, 2006. Mark my words. Oh, and also, I need you to help me move.

6) Pulling more crazy stunts. The older I get, the more crazy stunts I will pull. This will keep me young at heart. Or make me look like a pathetic 30-year-old who tries to pull stunts so he can feel young at heart. I guess we’ll find out.

7) Visiting more art galleries. I don’t really know anything about art. But it’s purdy.
Catching up on all my New Yorkers. I’m hopelessly behind. But I will read them all.

9) Preemptively spinning in my grave over the horrible things my descendants are certain to do when they are forced into desperation by the collapse of the modern world.

10) Having a fantabulous party for my birthday.

I’ve been thinking about that last one. I’m totally going to do it. You should come. It’s going to be great. Seriously, don’t make any plans for the weekend of Aug. 11-13. You have to come to my birthday party. You have been given ample notice. It’s going to be the biggest party I’ve ever had, which means more than 8 people will be there. Seriously, though, this is for real. I’m going to go all-out for this. You only turn 30 once. Be there!

Days until my 30th birthday party: 201

Editor’s note (I can say that because I really am an editor. How cool!): The author of this blog knows that he often writes in a semiamusing, self-effacing, sarcastic way and that such writings are understood to be material that should not be taken seriously. He would like to stress, however, that he is NOT KIDDING about the party or about you saving the date. He is really going to have this party. And you are really going to be there or he is really going to have some stern words for you.

OK, so, this is, like, two blog posts in a single day now! Can you freakin’ believe it? I can’t.

So I’m sitting at work and it’s kind of boring. Sometimes when that happens I will do a Web search ("Googling," as it’s called) for a word or phrase that I find funny or interesting, just to see what comes back.

Anyway, there is this television program called Mr. Show, of which I am a big fan. There is one bit they did that’s based on the movie "Goodfellas." It’s called "Pallies." It starts out looking like a typical movie spoof. These gangsters are digging a shallow grave in the forest and the narrator is talking about how he always wanted to be in the mafia, and he’s talking about the other gangster guys (including Anthony "One Time" Branka, who is called that because he says everything one time — a reference to a gangster in Goodfellas called "Two Time" because he says everything two times). Then at the bottom of the screen the message "edited for television" appears. They go into a scene at a dinner table with the gangsters, where all of the obscenities in their conversation are hilariously and badly overdubbed to become phrases like "That (loopy nerd) we buried is probably stinking up the whole (farking) forest by now" and "Don’t tell me what to do, you little piece of (shoe)!" Their many uses of "motherfucker" are replaced with "mother father." And, in the culminating moment, an entire long piece of dialogue by one character is replaced by "mother father Chinese dentist." It’s funny.

So, what’s the point? Well, whilst bored at work, I did a search for the phrase "mother father Chinese dentist." The number-one search result was a newspaper article headlined "Decency activist joins FCC." The article does not contain the phrase "mother father Chinese dentist."

Weird, huh?

My friends, I would like to draw your attention to an issue that affects us all, an issue that we can all get behind, an issue that truly deserves all of our support: Everything.

Everything is all around us. It seems like everywhere I go, I see everything, or at least part of it. At home, at work, in my car, in retail businesses, and at fancy downtown eateries, it is ever present. It is in our light fixtures, our livestock, the clothes we wear, the fat cats on the city council, and even in the air we breathe and the earth we walk on. Every time I pick up the newsaper, turn on my television news or peruse the Internet, everything is there, etched in bold black letters on the paper or in bold yellow letters along the bottom of the screen. It’s the same for each of us. Everywhere we look, everything is staring us in the face. Everything permeates all of our lives in every possible way.

Despite Congress, national and local charities, and committed individuals spending 100 percent of their money on working to improve everything, the cause is still years behind where it should be. When we hear the cry of a neglected child, or see a dilapidated home in a bad part of town, or read of the disappearance of certain species of biologically sensitive frogs from Central America, I think we can all agree that everything is not what it should be.

That’s why I’m making this appeal to you. Please, do what you can to support everything. Make it part of your daily routine to think about the role everything plays in your life and what you might do to improve it. And if you have any money to spare, you should consider using it for the betterment of everything. You can do this by giving it to anybody, either with or without compensation in the form of goods or services. But most of all, this is a call to increase awareness of everything. Tell your friends about this important issue. And visit your local convenience store to purchase a white “Support Everything” magnetized ribbon for your automobile. I have chosen white as the official color of this campaign because white contains every color of the spectrum and thus is the perfect symbol of everything.

Only through awareness and the hard work of each and every one of us can we solve this problem and make everything what it could be. Let’s not give up the fight!

I haven’t blogged much lately. I will level with you about the reason. I have been away. Far, far away, studying with the Dalai Lama at his mountaintop retreat in Nepal. I learned many truths during my weeks with His Holiness, and I have attained a new sense of serenity and peace in my life. As a public service, I will share some of these profound truths and thought-provoking metaphors with you all.

x If you don’t like me, that’s your problem, not mine.

x The first few fish in the aquarium always die.

x If you drink beer that’s brewed with coffee, the alcohol and the caffeine cancel each other out, and you attain balance in your life.

x It’s important to take the time to vacuum your steps every few months.

x You can’t make somebody have fun. The more you try, the more likely they are to kick your ass.

x If you go around saying things like “da bomb” in a non-ironic way, people will mock you.

x The harder you squeeze something, the more likely it is to slip through your fingers.

x It’s more fun to celebrate the Eastern Time Zone’s new year than it is to celebrate the Central Time Zone’s, even if you are in the Central Time Zone at the time.

x You shouldn’t laugh at the problems of others. Unless they laugh first. Then it’s OK.

x It’s really freaking cold in Nepal.

Legal disclaimer: Neither the Dalai Lama nor Dalai Lama Enterprises, LLC, endorse or accept responsibility for the content of this blog entry.