A place called B.L.O.G.

I’ve mostly used this blog for stupid crap and ranting, as you’ve surely noticed, but I’d like to take a moment to actually provide what might be considered useful information about me to those who don’t already know. To those who do already know, this will provide a nice chance to review and to read the same facts phrased in a slightly different way.

Jimmy had surgery on Friday, to fix the drainage tube (ureter) of his left kidney. It was kinked and was not allowing that kidney to drain, but now it should be fine. The surgeon detached it from his kidney and reattached it at a different angle, and on the other side of an inconveniently placed vein, to correct it. The surgery went very well and even though it meant a weekend in the hospital for Jimmy, he did great and he is doing well back at home now. The little guy was a real trooper about it and he bounced back amazingly fast. He’s going to miss at least the first day of first grade at his new school, unfortunately, and maybe more, but at least the problem is now fixed. I’m glad that we caught the problem and had it taken care of, and now he shouldn’t have to worry about it. And I’m glad he has been so good about it and recovered so quickly. What a kid.

If aliens deep in outer space have the Internet (and surely they do) and any of them read this blog, I have a few requests:

1) Please bring me some Popsicles. I’m out. I really like them.

2) If you ever come to Earth to attack us, please make sure that your seemingly indestructible motherships have at least one weakness that the few plucky survivors of your onslaught can exploit in order to save our planet.

3) Can you do anything about Uranus? We humans gave it a really bad name, and most of us are pretty embarassed about it. It becomes the butt of juvenile jokes all the time, and really, who needs that? Please blow it up or something. We’re not using it, anyway.

4) Have you discovered how to bring dead organisms back to life? If so, we need you to get to work on half of an Earth group we called "The Beatles." A reunion tour would sell out arenas worldwide and give us something to talk about in an otherwise boring year. And it would really rock.

5) I could really use a high-speed Internet connection. I figure you, who are certainly from an advanced technological society, can give me some kind of secrets about how to steal it from my local cable or Internet provider without getting caught.

6) You have probably figured out a lot about the space-time continuum. I think we Earthlings could really use some of that knowledge. Can you help us out? Mostly, I just want to know why the word "continuum" has two consecutive "u"s in it. I mean, it must be the only word that has that. What’s up with that? Does your alien language have any words with two consecutive "u"s? Oh, shit, I fogot about "vacuum." Well, never mind.

7) Here on Earth, people like to blow each other up and whatnot because they disagree about how other people live their lives, or because they have a different religion or something. Can you let us in on the meaning of life so we can all understand the true nature of the world and all live in harmony? Or, if you don’t know the true meaning of life, can you please take all the fundamentalist bastards from Earth and bring them to your planet? They’re really fucking this place up.

Thanks, aliens. You guys rock.

Sometimes I get to thinking about all of the things I’ve never said. I wonder if I ever will say them. I thought of some today that seem like they would be fun to say. I am waiting for the right situation to arise. I will keep this checklist for the rest of my life, and once I’ve said them all (in the proper context, not just saying them for the sake of saying them), I can die knowing that my life was complete.

“Come on over and we can extract it together.”
“You, sir, have no respect for the rules of broomball.”
“You are now entering the Mountain time zone.”
“Will you hand me that tankard of brine?”
“It’s all fun and games until Fidel Castro shows up.”
“I’ll have a cup and a half of what he’s having.”
“Yes, I agree, my blog is indeed a worthwhile and valuable enterprise.”
“The quality of these onion rings leaves something to be desired, though I am satisfied with the quantity.”
“I had a baker’s dozen, but now I’m down to a regular person’s dozen.”
“Ooh, baby, ooh, baby, yeah, I’m supersonic, ooh, baby, ooh, baby, yeah.”

Aug. 10, 1976, was a day the world changed forever. I think all of you, my friends, know just what I’m talking about. That day 29 years ago has special significance for me. I’m talking, of course, about the day the Keebler Elves made their debut. On that day, they starred in their very first television commercial, which was for Keebler Fudge Stripe cookies. They were an instant success, taking America by storm. Children adored them. Before long, Keebler Elf dolls, action figures, Shrinky-Dinks, Halloween costumes, coloring books and bobblehead dolls were everywhere. Sales of Keebler products skyrocketed. This marked the beginning of a revolution in advertising, and every company wanted a piece of the action. Many other snack brands came up with their own diminutive cartoon salespeople who lived in wildnerness settings. The Betty Crocker Gnomes, who lived under a grassy mound, were the first to follow in the Keebler Elves’ footsteps. Then came the Nabisco Dwarves, who baked crackers to golden perfection in their brick oven concealed behind a waterfall. The trend continued with the General Mills midgets, the Old Dutch growth-stunted children, and the Frito Lay fetuses.

By 1981, the advertising world was ready to move on to the next big thing (which turned out to be TV commercials featuring people drinking beverages out of glass bottles by holding them a foot or so from their faces and allowing the sweet liquid to cascade down into their mouths). Most of the Keebler Elf copycat mascots disappeared (with the notable exception of Rice Krispies’ Snap, Crackle, and Pop, whose species is to this day undetermined). While their merchandise invariably wound up in landfills, secondhand stores or free bins at garage sales, the Elves’ image still makes an appearance from time to time on our television screens, our glossy newspaper advertisements and our snack product boxes.

All hail the Keebler Elves! And may I say that Aug. 10 should be a joyous day each year when we celebrate a very special birth. Huzzah!

The most recent presidential election was Nov. 2, 2004. That’s exactly nine months ago. That’s 242 days ago. That’s a long freaking time ago. So why are people still driving around with "Kerry/Edwards" bumper stickers? They lost, folks. They blew it. They failed to unseat a president who didn’t even have a positive approval rating with half the people in the country. They sucked. They sucked major ass. And, minivan driving Kerry/Edwards supporters, it’s your own damn fault for falling in line behind a candidate who had the look of a loser all along. What exactly did he have going for him again? Please, remind me. Other than the fact that he’s not Bush. I’m not Bush, either, and nobody voted for me.

I’m sorry, but driving around with a Kerry bumper sticker at this point is just pathetic. Are you trying to show that you still haven’t given up the fight? That you don’t accept the results of the election? Well, that’s lame of you. I’m guessing that the more likely explanation is that you just don’t feel like kneeling down there and peeling the damn thing off (or covering it up with a "no blood for oil" sticker or some such thing).

Here’s an idea for you: Go home today and remove your Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker, then get to work coming up with a better candidate next time. OK? Good. Thanks.